free

Things have not been easy at work lately. It’s not so much that they are any more difficult than normal, more so that the work is nuanced, complex, and constantly expanding. Complex because of the system I am part, not overly complicated. If given the chance, I could lock into a flow state and churn out quality, impactful work. But just when I feel like I get to do something important, a wrench gets thrown into the machine.

Every few weeks… fire, aim, ready.

I get frustrated when I find out, then annoyed with myself for being surprised. I know all too well that this should be expected. It’s not new. And whether I realized it at the time or not, it’s what I signed up for.

To paraphrase Seneca, the unexpected blow lands heaviest.

I know better. I can practically plan for it.

Yesterday, my wife and I were sitting on a park bench. I looked up at the clear blue sky and said, “It goes on forever. And forever is expanding?” In that moment I was reminded how small we are, how microscopic a month of work is, how insignificant and meaningless so many of things we think about are.

The work doesn’t actually matter, it’ll all be forgotten, overwritten, erased. Whether I realize it or not, I am fighting to accomplish something I feel is important. It’s almost laughable to type that out—important. My frustration is at least partly ego-driven. I’m quite literally fighting against situations I have no control over. I need to find my calm and remember that the stream does not get angry with the rock, it simply finds a new path.

Effortless action, move with the system, obstacles are inevitable.

Since the work doesn’t actually matter and nature reminds me how to respond to challenges, I am free beyond measure.

The weight only exists because I make it heavy with my mind.